The vicissitudes of life remain the same. The daily routines continue, the must dues remain – bills, appointments, work deadlines, household errands – and the sun and moon continue their ever presence. Nothing has changed. Yet, everything is different.
Sure, things haven’t been the same for the past three years, beginning when my wife was first diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer in September of 2015. Still, we tackled and wrestled with the change together. We carried each other throughout the journey. Now that she is gone, all is not the same. Her passing has altered my entire universe, leaving a void in my heart.
I am indeed grateful to have the support of family, a wonderful network of friends and incredible people that my wife left behind for me to tap into, but I do stand alone now. I no longer have my partner to discuss decisions, share news, laugh together or just talk about this and that.
The mornings, evenings, hours, days are just not the same. I am not the same. I am more sympathetic to people, but less patient for self-pity and for people dwelling on the small stuff. If my tolerance for that was low already, it’s even more so now.
I am calmed and find comfort at knowing that she is no longer is suffering. Yet, I feel a wave of anger festering inside me – anger that she is no longer here; anger for not anticipating things; anger towards the disease that took her; anger at the things we didn’t get a chance to do together; anger at her for not telling me what do with all her stuff; anger for just wanting to live a normal life; anger at my own anger; and just anger towards the unfairness of the world for giving me these cards to deal with.
I miss her, terribly! I hate not being able to see, touch, kiss or hear her. She is gone forever from this world, a fact I am still trying to grapple with two months later. Yes, she is constantly with me in my heart, mind, and soul. I do feel her presence, but it’s not the same. She was a whole of me and now that’s gone.
Rationally, I know others in the universe have it worse than me, but I am entitled to my anger. A line from “Fight Club” comes to mind: “I felt like destroying something beautiful.” Well, sometimes I feel like a punching a wall, taking a bat and breaking glass bottles or a nice car… destroying something beautiful.
No need to worry, though. Not that I would. Instead, I am taking that energy of anger and putting it into focusing at work, lifting weights, jumping rope, journaling, practicing yoga and tackling and creating projects for myself. Instead of destroying something beautiful I rather create something beautiful.
If I don’t have the patience for self-pity, I don’t tolerate my own. As I said, I am less patient for many things now. I need to be proactive rather than destructive.
This doesn’t mean I am suppressing my anger. Just channeling it in other ways. Or so I tell myself.
I look into the vastness of the world ahead of me and I just try to take it one day at a time, conquering and dealing with whatever comes at me the best I can. I know I am not alone.
I am blessed to have my kiddo who is just an incredible source of inspiration and strength. If my wife was my guiding star, my kid is my rock. He has been ever since he was born.
I know together we will continue to carry each other as we move forward in this journey……