Just a thought

Five months today since then.

I have this thought that all I need to do is search in the most remote parts of the world….

..I imagine running on cobbled streets somewhere in a hidden corner of the world, traveling to a place no one has ever heard before, unearthing every unturned stone..running through the heat of the desert faster than the fastest vehicle to break the matrix of reality into another realm….and there she will be waiting for me for another kiss, another embrace, another smile….

Five months have passed. I am still searching, still running, still waiting…

I know. I know. It’s just a thought.

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A moment

Venting Monday: I get asked a lot how I am coping. Honestly, for the most part, I am doing okay. Sometimes – thank goodness not frequent – I struggle to keep my sh!t together. Dealing with people or circumstances at those times is a struggle.

At those times, I really don’t want to hear any cliche statement or advice. Unless you have gone through a similar experience, please don’t say anything. I know folks mean well but hearing that “time heals,” “she is at peace now,” or that “she is always with you” do not comfort me.

Sure, there is truth to those statements. I have experienced loss before – my parents, friends and distant relatives.

But, this pain, this pain right here that I am experiencing is different from all other past experiences. So, I would much rather prefer a hug and a smile than words that do not bring me solace.

I don’t mean to be ungrateful. I am not.

Just sometimes, those statements make me feel worst. I am just venting.

Nothing personal. I am just having a freaking moment where I am lost in the fog.

brown mountain view

Nothing is the Same

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The vicissitudes of life remain the same. The daily routines continue, the must dues remain – bills, appointments, work deadlines, household errands – and the sun and moon continue their ever presence. Nothing has changed. Yet, everything is different.

Sure, things haven’t been the same for the past three years, beginning when my wife was first diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer in September of 2015. Still, we tackled and wrestled with the change together. We carried each other throughout the journey. Now that she is gone, all is not the same. Her passing has altered my entire universe, leaving a void in my heart.

 

JM and Lari

I am indeed grateful to have the support of family,  a wonderful network of friends and incredible people that my wife left behind for me to tap into, but I do stand alone now. I no longer have my partner to discuss decisions, share news, laugh together or just talk about this and that.

The mornings, evenings, hours, days are just not the same. I am not the same. I am more sympathetic to people, but less patient for self-pity and for people dwelling on the small stuff. If my tolerance for that was low already, it’s even more so now.

I am calmed and find comfort at knowing that she is no longer is suffering. Yet, I feel a wave of anger festering inside me – anger that she is no longer here; anger for not anticipating things; anger towards the disease that took her; anger at the things we didn’t get a chance to do together; anger at her for not telling me what do with all her stuff; anger for just wanting to live a normal life; anger at my own anger; and just anger towards the unfairness of the world for giving me these cards to deal with.

I miss her, terribly! I hate not being able to see, touch, kiss or hear her. She is gone forever from this world, a fact I am still trying to grapple with two months later. Yes, she is constantly with me in my heart, mind, and soul. I do feel her presence, but it’s not the same. She was a whole of me and now that’s gone.

Rationally, I know others in the universe have it worse than me, but I am entitled to my anger. A line from “Fight Club” comes to mind: “I felt like destroying something beautiful.” Well, sometimes I feel like a punching a wall, taking a bat and breaking glass bottles or a nice car… destroying something beautiful.

No need to worry, though. Not that I would. Instead, I am taking that energy of anger and putting it into focusing at work, lifting weights, jumping rope, journaling, practicing yoga and tackling and creating projects for myself. Instead of destroying something beautiful I rather create something beautiful.

If I don’t have the patience for self-pity, I don’t tolerate my own. As I said, I am less patient for many things now. I need to be proactive rather than destructive.

This doesn’t mean I am suppressing my anger. Just channeling it in other ways. Or so I tell myself.

I look into the vastness of the world ahead of me and I just try to take it one day at a time, conquering and dealing with whatever comes at me the best I can. I know I am not alone.

I am blessed to have my kiddo who is just an incredible source of inspiration and strength. If my wife was my guiding star, my kid is my rock. He has been ever since he was born.

I know together we will continue to carry each other as we move forward in this journey……

Gabriel and jmm - stone mountain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be Grateful and Enjoy

Is this thing on? Hello?

Ahem!

Thank you for the birthday wishes.

Thank you for all the love and positive energy.

Thank you for being part of my life in one way or another.

I welcome this age of my life with grace and lots of denial. Just kidding.

I am not in denial. Nor do I have any grace or words of wisdom. All I know is that life is precious.

Enjoy each moment. Enjoy the friendships that you have. Enjoy your family. Enjoy your health. Enjoy the activities that you love. Enjoy, if possible, your body by moving, dancing, exercising, or performing any physical activity that brings you happiness. Enjoy this very moment as tomorrow is not guaranteed.

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Keep your word

You know what’s one quality that I truly appreciate?

When people get back to you and keep their word. This applies to friends, family, services, companies, et al.

Truly appreciate when people say they will do XY&Z and then they do it. I have had people – friends, acquaintances, family memnbers, companies – faulting on their word. So, makes me be appreciative when folks do as they say.

I know I have been guilty of not following through but I really try to keep to my word.

In many respects, do not be cavalier with your words and promises. Each time you do, you make a withdrawal. Eventually, reaching a zero balance with your reputation at stake.

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Keeping Strong

My regular loose fit shirt felt tight around my neck, shoulders, and biceps. Finally, I thought, this workout routine is paying off, filling myself with pride.

And just like a prideful roster, I took strides with my chest puffed up, like I owned the place. That dream came crashing down pretty soon.

I took a look at the mirror to admire my gains only to realize that my shirt was inside out and the back was facing the front.

Did I rush to the bathroom to make things right? No. I finished my set and then I slowly walked to the bathroom with my pride hurt but with a good laugh at my expense.

 

Workout feeling

 

 

 

A Piece of Myself

I lost a piece of myself the other day. It all began with a woman telling me to get down to my boxers;I had no choice in the matter as I had already decided to put myself in this predicament. Next thing I know I am faced down with a needle prickling the middle of my upper left lat. What transpired next only took seconds. So much so that I never felt the hands shaving off part of my skin. The good news is that it was a benign mole

This and That